Emo

Lately I've been a bit emotional.

The bedroom's too quiet to be in on my own. I'm used to walking in and seeing my sisters sprawled on the bed, either asleep, or on the laptop. I'm used to being by myself in the living room, the sofa being my favourite hangout. I spent most of yesterday evening watching Family Guy on my own. 

I don't miss the things I've never had, but I do miss the things I've had.

Emo

I don't

As I was telling J, I don't usually "get it off my chest".

If I really "got it off my chest", I'd land myself in situations which I would kick myself for later.

I still harbour the idealism that deep down inside, people know the difference between right and wrong, what's hurtful to say, and what's not...

Then again, I'm operating on the assumption that people share my beliefs, and know my thoughts and actions...

Sometimes even the people I've known for a very long time don't know what I'm thinking...

Must I be clear about my thoughts, about the things that make me feel bad, or sad? Does it really make situations better just by letting people know how I feel?

I know at this point in time, I don't have the guts to spill my guts... I can only do so through what little anonymity I have through the world wide web.

I don't

Sometimes...

Congratulations to J with her second addition to her family... she commented on Facebook how she enjoys being a mother...

I wonder if I would feel the same way...

I was watching a Chinese film called "Sunflower" on SBS last night, revolving around a couple with their only son. At one stage, the son commented that he was not ready to become a father, upon knowing that his partner was expecting, and asked his partner to have an abortion. He reflected that becoming a parent is a heavy responsibility, and he would not bring a child into the world without knowing that he would be ready for the responsibility.

I wonder when one would be ready to take on such a responsibility... is it a learned response, or is it something innate?

I sometimes wonder at the people who are looking forward to getting married and starting a family, I seem to be the opposite. I ponder about mortality and how it would be like to watch the world revolve around as one ages. Is it because I am surrounded by aging people dealing with their mortality?

Perhaps I'm on the verge of discovering Enlightenment...

Which brings me to another point I have been thinking about for a while:

Why is it that so many years ago when Buddha pondered on death, he was on the path towards Enlightenment. Today, if one was to be pre-occupied with death, it would be one of the DSM criteria for depression? Could it not be that one was experiencing an epiphany of one's mortal existence?

How times have changed perceptions...

Sometimes...

Preoccupation

The bulk of my work is to receive and attend to faxes from aged care facilities.

Almost every day I would receive a fax notifying the pharmacy of a deceased resident.

This recurring theme of death leaves me feeling morose and pensive.

It makes me realise all the more the transience of being.

Many a wise people have pondered about the meaning of life and death.

What is the purpose of life?

Does happiness transcend beyond living?

What happens to all of us when we die?

Questions left unanswered, swallowed by the darkness of the night...

Enter Sandman, take me to a dreamless sleep...

Preoccupation

Oh hello my old friends...

I woke up from an afternoon nap to a phone call about a job interview.

I have spent the evening planning and pondering. I believe that I have equipped myself for the inteview.

I am not sure what to expect. Perhaps the unexpected. The destined. A pre-determined outcome. I can only do my best, and hope for the best.

Into the night, I find that I cannot fall asleep. Insomnia and Trepidation are here to visit me. Yet again.

And here I am, typing in the dark, trying to compose my thoughts, willing myself to sleep.

...

...

...

I think it is working. I will lie down now.

Oh hello my old friends...

Fleeting moment

Looking for work is such an arduous, torturous process.

On top of not having steady income, the bills keep piling.

I'm enjoying the free time, though.

When I'm not worrying my socks off.

It can be difficult conveying one's inner thoughts to others, especially since everyone has worries of his / her own.

Oh well...

As the saying goes, out with the old, in with the new.

This too shall pass.

Fleeting moment

More Counting

So my boss told me to start work on 12/01/2009. Happiness. I quickly booked a flight for the weekend. More happiness.

I finally finished the cushion cover I started making about a month ago.

The cushion cover - I made it!!!

I went for my dental check-up today. All's good in the dental department.

I also got some perspective. I'm going to take one step at a time. And hope for the best. :)

More Counting

First Day of 2009 - on life and Swea'D

I'm camera shy!

She came into our lives on 26th April 1997. I was proud to claim to anyone who paid attention that I chose her. True to her nature, she was the nosy puppy that poked her face at us. I knew she was the one. Our very first pet dog.

We fought over what to name her. My father wanted to name her Dolly, as in the film "Hello, Dolly!". We quickly put a stop to that name coming to being. No, if we wanted to name our very first dog, it had to be a cool name. Way cooler than Dolly, the only Dolly I knew then was Dolly Parton.

C quickly decided on the name Sweet D, for Sweet Dog. At that time, we were in the Backstreet Boys craze, remember Howie D? I think he had Sweet D as one of his nicknames. Later on, my father spelt the name Swea'D. Much cooler.

Life doesn't get any better than eating!

Swea'D came to stay.

She was one cute puppy. A nosy parker, but a puppy could be forgiven for this seemingly harmless idiosyncrasy.

She was 6 weeks old when she came to stay.

She's 11 years old now, and she knows she owns the house.

OK, she co-owns it with my father, the only person she's afraid of.

She's slightly slow on the stairs these days, but at the mention of food, "Mam Mam!", her eyes light up and she even has a spring to her steps.

The only thing that gets her excited.

That, and the mention of my father's name, "Papa!". She knows then that something is going to happen (either a bath, or clipping her nails).

Same old Swea'D.

If only life revolves around food and eating, sleeping, and going for the 1's and 2's.

It's 2009, and I know everyone goes about making a list of resolutions for the new year.

I have one, too.

But it gets complicated.

I'm not getting younger, and it seems that there are so many things that I have not achieved in life.

So much so that I feel swamped, overwhelmed, snowed in.

"You know what I'm craving?

A little perspective.

That's it.

I'd like some fresh, clear, well-seasoned perspective."

Some perspective to clear up my addled thoughts.

First Day of 2009 - on life and Swea'D

This Life

I quote an acquaintance of mine:

"and it is this balance that brings meaning to life...
for would we know the meaning of happiness if there is no sadness...
the joy of success and winning if there is no defeat ...
and appreciate light if there is no darkness ??
but one thing that i have learnt is that however long the night ...
dawn will eventually break ... "

Many a things have happened in my life recently...
Some not so significant,
Some more significant,
When I piece them together,
I think to myself,
What is my purpose of being?

I'm not thinking of ground-breaking discoveries,
Not about how the world works,
Not what the Buddha has discovered many aeons ago,
I'm far from Nibbana...
I just want to realise what I want out of life...
Out of living...

I haven't been praying much,
The turbulence of life sweeps me from day to day,
I hardly keep track of time or day,
I don't seem to recollect a recent time I've sat quietly,
To be still...

Even in sleep,
I am restless,
I wake up with thoughts in my head,
The feeling of fulfillment,
Is lost on me...

I've started to pray again,
For the people around me,
For my loved ones,
For the dearly departed
And I guess I'll pray,
For me...

To discover some sense,
To sense what's right from what's not,
To enjoy the here and now,
To be happy and healthy,
To be still...

This Life

I'm having one of those "oh another day, what am I going to do?" type of morning. I have had many of these mornings in recent times, more so when I anticipate a change in my life. I think I'm one of the lucky ones who have inertia rooted deep into their beings - I think I'm quite resistant to change. Ironically, I probably have gone through more change than the next door girl.

On the other hand, I dislike monotony. I loathe to do the same things over and over again without having even the slightest change to the routine. My life, at this stage, it monotonous. Wake up, laze around, get dressed for work, catch the train, work, go home, cook / order take-away, shower, eat, watch TV / DVDs laze around, sleep. Sometimes I try to pick up a book or magazine to escape from the routine, by the time I get to it, it's almost time to end the day, and start again. :P

Yes, I'm having one of those mornings, where I sit and ponder the mornings prior to this. The only difference to this morning is I've decided to air my thoughts on the World Wide Web.

I need to get changed for work.

Longing

I long for,

Familiar faces, familiar voices, familiar sights, familiar sounds,
The best fish porridge in the world,
The smell of Swea'D,
The giggling in a dim room,
Dark room and glow-in-the-dark butterflies,
Sleeping side-by-side,
Garden full of plants,
The Yamaha in the living room,
Late night ghost movies,
Dinner at a favourite restaurant,
Chinese New Year,
Birthday celebrations,
The hugs, kisses,
The encouragement,
The warmth,
The love.

Longing

Dearest Papa

Dearest Papa,

Thank you for always being by our side, guiding us through good and bad times with your 'seng mok'-ness.

Thank you for being understanding and patient with us, even when we try your patience, and, most of the time, it's difficult to understand us.

Thank you for taking care of us, cooking us the 'best fish porridge in the world' and cleaning up the mess after us dirty piggies.

Thank you for the family trips, getting us together as a family to see the world.

Thank you for showing us the world and how you see the world, so that on our own two feet, we know how to face the world.

Thank you for sending us out into the world, yet letting us know that home is where we can always return to.

Most of all,

Thank you for being the best Papa in the world, and the best man, too, for we know, that in this world, there is no better Papa than you.

Dearest Papa

Love

"In sickness and in health, until death doth parts us"
Mr. and Mrs. L are the pharmacy's regular customers. They nearly always come to the pharmacy together. They stand patiently at the counter whilst I get their medications ready. They would make small talk whilst waiting, the kind that husbands and wives make after being together for a very long time, yet are still very fond of each other. When I go to the counter with their medications, Mr. L signs the scripts and tells Mrs. L to pay for the medications. Mrs. L exclaims in feigned indignation, "Pay with my money? You give me money only to take it away from me?" She proceeds to tell me sotto voce, "That's to make sure that I won't leave him" and she smiles. I then jokingly reply, "Who does the cooking?". Mrs. L says, "I do! I do everything and he does nothing!", to which Mr. L affirms, "I do nothing". They carry on their bantering all the way to the door.
Mr. L, on one occasion of him coming to the pharmacy without Mrs. L, told me that Mrs. L had a bad back. "Goodness knows she has a bad back, with me as her burden all these years, but don't tell her that."
Mr. C is by Mrs. C's bedside every day. She is a shell of her former self, sleeping most the time due to the pain medications given to her. She can no longer talk nor walk from weakness, her eyes lighting up when she has visitors, her eyes the windows of communication when speech fails her. Mr. C sits and watches over her, his love for her is silent but strong, stated not in words but in actions.
They know better than others the meaning of love, love that transcends mere words. I am moved to awe and tears. I hope to begin to understand, if only a fraction at a time, what love is all about.

Love

Beckoning

To the Suen Yee of the past,
I mourn for the loss of your innocence,
Your seemingly unshakeable effervescence,
Your perpetual optimism,
I mourn for you.

To the Suen Yee of the present,
I emphatise with your sorrow,
I understand your struggle,
I see your tears shining through your smile,
I grief for you.

To the Suen Yee of the future,
Where would you be going?
What do you want, if not happiness?
Can you reconcile the past and the present?
Can you move on?

Beckoning

Kundun

Kundun, Tibetan for "the presence", is the title by which the Dalai Lama is addressed. The 14th and current Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso visited Australia from 06/06/2007 to 16/06/2007. We had the opportunity to listen to the Dalai Lama's talk in The Domain, Sydney.

We arrived late at the venue, so we walked around looking for a good spot to view the screen and listen to the Dalai Lama. The first thing that struck me as we made our way past the throng was how familiar the Dalai Lama's voice sounded. I could have heard his voice on television; I don't remember. It is the voice of Buddhist monks - calm, soothing, yet compelling you to listen - the sound of gentle waves lapping. On a deeper level, it is the voice that I imagine my paternal grandfather had - the grandfather I have never seen in life but in photos, whom my grandmother and parents speak of with such admiration.

Incidentally, the Dalai Lama's tinted glasses and face shape remind me of two people, one of which is my paternal grandfather.

The Dalai Lama spoke on the power of compassion. It moved me so much that I cried. The Dalai Lama talked not of religion but of what could bring people inner peace and what could make the world a better place.

The Dalai Lama didn't pretend to know all the answers, too. The host asked the Dalai Lama to describe the meaning of life in the Dalai Lama's own words. The Dalai Lama scratched his head, and looked absorbed in thought, and yet genuinely perplexed, and replied a simple "I don't know".

The Dalai Lama said that perhaps the meaning of life is happiness.

I looked around. I saw adults listening to the Dalai Lama, children playing in the mud, babies in their prams. Everyone seemed happy. I thought of myself, am I happy?

My reply is a simple "I don't know".

Kundun

The One I Can't Forget

There is someone I can't forget. It's been slightly more than a month, and yet I can't, and won't, accept the fact that I won't be together with him. Every time I look at his face, it hurts me more than I can imagine, or choose to acknowledge. Everything that reminds me of him is bittersweet.

Yesterday, I read two things that are relevant to my life at this point in time: a book titled "An English Psychic in Hollywood", and the other: my daily horoscope. What I find most interesting is that the reading revealed my inner thoughts, and here I include the excerpt of it:

"The desire for marriage is very strong, and it is possible that the planets can bring someone into your life who will benefit you financially and fulfill your need for love and affection. The necessity for a close relationship may draw some of you into a hasty marriage"

It's interesting what life indicates to us: seemingly small, insignificant details. It just depends on how we see things. It's how we see things that govern how we react to those things.

The One I Can't Forget